Portugal. The Man: "Censored Colors"

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Portugal. The Man's "Censored Colors"

By Kristian Radke

If bad band names were food, between acts like …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead and Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, the Earth could rejoice that her children need no longer suffer from hunger. And if this wonderful world were so, Portugal. The Man would be Live Aid, Bono on a charitable bender and an Oprah special all in one.

Now, usually I can forgive bands with less-than-stellar monikers – after all it’s the music that counts right? Besides, if they are talented enough you might even start to think retroactively that the nom de plume of your favorite artists are actually rather clever twists of the tongue. But even if they were capable of making music that caused grown men to weep and children to speak in tongues, I would still think Portugal. The Man is one of the most idiotic names of all time. Is that period really necessary in the middle? How did four grown men possibly get weed potent enough to agree to this for an extended period of time? What does Portugal. The Country think of all this?

This may all seem a rather petty matter, but I keep harping on it like a spiteful housewife because the nature of their name is key to understanding who Portugal are and where they go wrong. Now, Portugal actually are not a bad band; they have talent and they have their moments, as demonstrated on their latest release, “Censored Colors.” Sonically, try to picture Jack White singing a couple of tunes for the Cold War Kids.

Got it? Okay, now take that and make it sound big. Okay, you have the right idea, but no need to stop at a couple of keyboard parts – why don’t you bring in some exotic instrumentation, maybe some strings, a couple more guitar overdubs, some tape effects, oh, and maybe half a dozen backup singers? Yes, yes! Can’t you just hear the crowd chant amidst a sea of lighters and glowing cell phones?

Now I’m not trying to contend that there is anything inherently wrong with trying to be big or ambitious, and Portugal is nothing if not ambitious. It’s just that they don’t have what it takes to back it up. They aren’t a bad band, they just aren’t that good, really. Which in many ways is infinitely more infuriating. They are bluesy, but in an easily-digestible bar band jam sort of way. They are soulful, but they do not speak to the soul. They are experimental, but nothing that will challenge your ears. Part of the reason a band like Cold War Kids can get away with what they do is because they sound taut, lean, angry, desperate. At their best they sound caught between an empty bottle and empty pockets, while Portugal are merely content to be “Talkin’ ‘bout hard times,” sharing a beer or two in the early evening on a friend’s porch. They want to speak deeply to everyone, and ultimately they speak to no one. “I’m not afraid to die because all these colors will change.” Does that inspire you?

Which brings me back to the name. After doing a little research, I found out that they’re named with Bowie’s “bigger than life” fame in mind. And that is exactly their aesthetic downfall. Bowie was never “bigger than life.” He just was Bowie, and other people said what they said about him. You cannot try to be cool, to be punk, to be talented, to be dangerous – you can only either be, or imitate. Adjectives are something you cannot attach to yourself, and while Portugal. The Man try earnestly to grace the heavens, being mere mortals they ultimately fall short of their divine aspirations.